“This is February,” I said. “She visited for Christmas. You’ve been lifting her panties for four months?”

Maya turned white. Then green. Then a shade of red that matched the thong behind the dryer.

Not my sock. Not my wife’s sock. A tiny, lacy, rose-gold thong that belonged to my younger sister, Chloe. I found it crumpled behind the dryer in our shared laundry room. The problem was, Chloe lived three states away. She hadn’t visited since Thanksgiving.

“Derek,” I said. “My wife is a serial underwear thief. My sister-in-law tracks her lingerie with GPS. And I think the stain is marinara.”

But 2024 had other plans.

“So you retaliated by… stealing her underwear?” I asked.

That’s when she told me about the Great Pumpkin Spice Incident of 2023.

“I’ve been tracking them,” Chloe said.