The descends a spiral staircase. She is tiny, hunched, and wrapped in a shawl—but her upper body is supported by a brass exoskeleton with two cantilevered counterweights.

“Big laughs. Bigger problems.”

A bumbling, cash-strapped historian is hired to authenticate the antiques of a reclusive, eccentric widow at a remote Gothic manor, only to discover that the house’s bizarre, curvaceous architecture is a living curse that amplifies the physical features—and the raging libidos—of everyone inside, leading to a night of supernatural slapstick and absurdly dangerous physics.

In a moment of genuine heart, Alistair removes his (giant) glasses. He admits: “I’ve never felt adequate. Not as a scholar. Not as a man. But this house—it’s just a mirror.”

The curse is strongest in there. No one has entered in 50 years. Good luck.

ACT ONE: THE BUMBLING ARRIVAL INT. NERD’S APARTMENT - DAY PROFESSOR ALISTAIR PINGLETON (30s) — tweed elbows, spectacles, zero physical confidence — is rejected from a grant for the 12th time. His specialty: “Architectural Phrenology of Failed Cursed Estates.” His phone rings. A clipped British voice: “The Dowager Baroness Von Hoob requires your services. The honorarium is… substantial. But you must leave tonight.”